Educational Laissez-Faire

I consider myself quite the left wing radical but there is one area in which I apply the principle of laissez-faire and that is the realm of my children´s education.

I figure that the more I pay a school to educate my child the less I should be involved in the actual process. Yeah, yeah, I can hear the gasps and protests about “the home environment is essential” and “parental support is key” etc, etc. All quite true but please, don´t expect me to be on call 24/7.

The education system here seems to assume that one parent (i.e. the mother) does not have a full time job and is therefore free to attend school functions at 11 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. Parents are exhorted to attend charlas on nutrition and hygiene at 6 pm – an hour when I am either still at work or thinking about kicking back with a stiff drink on my terraza.

One school I heard of even grades on parental involvement, so if the parent doesn´t attend the multitude of talks and mid-morning displays of kindergartners´ scribbling abilities, the child is penalized and loses points on his or her final grades. Excuse me?!

I pay the nursery school my three-year-old son attends to keep him busy, teach him to share and play nicely with others and send him home sleepy. I even toilet trained him myself. I do NOT pay them to send home homework every Thursday with instructions for his parents to do it with (i.e. for) him and send the folder back, sin falta, on Monday.

I pay the expensive fees at my daughter´s international school so they will give her a wider-than-Peruvian world view and metaphorically kick her ass when she doesn´t turn in her homework. If I was planning to painstakingly pore over her homework assignments every night or help my son scrunch up bits of red paper to stick on to a paper apple I would have saved my money and home-schooled them myself!

When my son was being “assessed” for entry into an expensive primary school, the school psychologist asked my husband in an accusatory tone, “are you sure you spend enough time interacting with him?” He replied indignantly “we spend as much time as we can with him when both parents have to work in order to afford to send him to your school.”

And don´t get me started on the hidden costs. I supposedly pay an all-inclusive fee but get hit by Smuggies on a weekly and monthly basis with urgent last-minute requests for materials to make a maqueta necessitating after-work trips to Wong supermarket and expenditure on styrofoam, glitter, modelling clay, pipe cleaners and bristol board.

In the case of the Baby Inca it´s the shows. The nursery puts on an annual Christmas show, an Easter show, a Mother´s day show, a Father´s day show and a show for Fiestas Patrias. Each one of these requires an outlay of s/40 to rent a badly-fitted costume which could be purchased for a quarter of the price in the local market. Which is no doubt why they never tell me what role my child is playing until they send the costume home the night before.

Now I don´t want to come across as some kind of maternal Grinch here. As anyone who has the misfortune to be my friend on Facebook can attest, I oooh and ahhh over my kids´ every achievement with the best of them. But I no longer have the space to store every piece of paper on which my son has drawn a squiggly line at school. And as for his thespian career, in three years he has not progressed further than the chorus line. I know we can´t all be stars but how come I keep seeing the same faces in the good parts? I´m just saying.

And it´s not easy bigging-up your child on Facebook when his roles tend to be Second Palm Tree From the Left; Fourth Pebble on the Beach; Third Wolf (that was the year he had his first line. When asked “how does a wolf go?” he replied, in ringing Shakespearian tones, “Ahooo!”); or one of a group of background chickens.

And they always have the shows at 2 pm on a Saturday afternoon, effectively screwing up your first day of rest for the week. And 2 pm. Really? In Peru? Where lunch is sacredly and leisuredly taken at 1 pm? Really? Despite several irritated notes of complaint by me and assurance from the teachers every year about a timely start, every year the other parents wander in at least 45 minutes late while I snarl and stew on the plastic chairs provided in the church hall.

My irritation at having to wait for unconcerned parents who clearly have nothing better to do on a weekend is exacerbated by the sure and certain knowledge that the theme of the performance, whatever the occasion, is going to be a religious one, crammed with barefaced indoctrination and shudderingly sexist stereotypes.

Take his recent Christmas performance. His nursery is nothing if not ambitious, I´ll give them that. This show spanned several centuries of world “history” all the way from the Creation to the Nativity.

First on stage was God. A delightfully small and grumpy individual clad in a white robe, firmly clutching his Francesco Bernoulli model car.[1] Accompanied by narration from the nursery´s Director, he reluctantly created the world, nudged on by one of the teachers. He then retired sobbing, devoured a bottle of milk and fell sound asleep on his mother´s lap. Which, considering the alternative possible outcomes of His wrath, was a blessing indeed.

Next on stage strode the fruits of His labour. Apparently, on an empty stomach and in a temper the Almighty tends to create flora and fauna consisting entirely of a bemused cow, a lugubrious donkey, a diminutive frog and three chubby dancing flowers.

Now you see what I mean? You would think from the creation of the world to the birth of the Messiah there would be plenty of plum roles to go around. Yet one kid played the Sun; Adam AND the Angel Gabriel, with a costume change each time (but wearing the same pair of orange Crocs).  And what did the Baby Inca get to be? A frog.

No, I am being bitter and unfair. He was not a frog. He was THE frog.

The Frog´s biggest fan

Anyway, the thus assembled global population proceeded to execute a game but cautious song and dance rendition of (what else?) Old MacDonald Had a Farm in Spanish. This was closely followed by the appearance of Adam, who had shed his Sun outfit in favour of a flesh-coloured leotard and a pair of green shorts. Adam delivered his lines crisply, noting his loneliness and asking God to intervene on his behalf. He then retired for a nap, dutifully stretching himself face-down on stage so stiffly that the orange Crocs didn´t touch the ground. Eve was then unleashed upon him.

I use the term advisedly. Dressed in a sort of Hawaiian dancer outfit, she did not walk onto the stage so much as sashay, one arm extended to the side, wrist drooping seductively, the other placed firmly on her hip. After circling him once, her no doubt bewitching presence awoke Adam and he assumed a well-choreographed expression of surprise and awe – hands on either side of his face, mouth and eyes wide open. They then proceeded to dance salsa to a rousing Juan Luis Guerra number.                  .

A merciful veil was drawn over the unfortunate incident of the snake and the apple and we proceeded straight to the Immaculate Conception.

Mary was seen dressed in modest pink robes busying herself around the house with broom and duster. “Mary,” said the narrator, “loved to sweep and clean. And she loved to pray. She had long conversations with God”.

Whereupon the Sun/Adam, now transformed into the Angel Gabriel via a white robe and gold tinsel-trimmed wings, emerged and gave Mary the glad tidings. He said firmly that she was going to have a baby and that he would be El Salvador!  Mary showed the appropriate gladness but asked “how can that be, I am not married”. The Angel Gabriel – who had displayed excellent diction in all his roles up to this point – mumbled something unintelligible into the proffered microphone then rallied and reiterated resoundingly “…and he will be El Salvador!”

Thus reassured Mary broke the news to a complaisant Joseph. “No te preocupes, yo voy a ayudarte a cuidar el bebé de Dios” and a celebratory song and dance number followed.

The rest, as they say, is history or, mejor dicho, biblical allegory. They went to Bethlehem on a wooden rocking horse; a hefty plastic Baby Jesus was born; a star in white strappy sandals led Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar to where it was all happening and they dutifully presented their gifts.

Ohmigod! I´m surrounded by arm-waving biblical maniacs!

Having been inexplicably absent from the manger scene the Frog reappeared for the grand finale and even managed to beat Adam to the back row spot next to Eve. Maybe it is this lack of understanding of his proper place in the celestial big picture that has been hindering his ability to capture the lead roles. And long may it last! The day I catch my son playing a salivating Adam opposite an undulating Eve is the day laissez-faire goes straight out the window.

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[1] From the movie Cars II.

Portents and Omens

“Señora Juliet”, said my nanny one day, as she arrived breathless for work.  

“Ay Señora Juliet, I am so afraid!”

She was all atremble and I feared the worst: either her mother had another health crisis or she had got a better job and was about to abandon me.

Had there been floods in the sierra again and were they on the point of losing their home? Had some adolescent cousin turned up pregnant and confessed that the father was a married man with no inclination to take responsibility? All familiar Peruvian scenarios.

Reyda is not to be rushed when giving information.

“Ay Señora Juliet, I can´t believe it, but they said it was on the news!”

Some patient prodding revealed that she had received a terrified phone call from her younger sister the night before from their pueblo in Andahuaylas, in the Peruvian highlands.

“Ay Señora Juliet, tu puedes creer? A baby has been born with two horns and a tail!”

I had got up particularly early that morning. Lots of pending stuff at the office and I wanted to beat the traffic. If I left home before 7.15 I could get to work comfortably before 8am; any later and I would have to wait until the morning school rush was over to have any hope of finding a taxi willing to take me along the coast road to my office in Magdalena. But, clearly, discussion on the birth of the antichrist was not going to be disposed of in short order.

I attempted to assume an expression somewhere between intellectual curiosity and reassuring disbelief.

“Uh huh” I said.

My nanny is great but a bit long-winded when in a state of excitement. Her narrative style tends to the extremely literal: “My cousin said to me, ´Prima, you know what?” and I said, No, Prima´, I said, what?´”… and so on.

But bit by bit the shocking details emerged.

“Señora Juliet, the girl was a virgin, only 19 or 20 years old. She had been walking in the fields and you know how animals walk in the fields too. Well, she had on one of those wide skirts and as she walked an animal passed by and lifted up her skirt and that was all. Within 24 hours her belly started to swell and her parents took her to the doctor.”

Now I do not dispute the possibility of a 20 year old virgin lurking in the Peruvian highlands, but I have seen those skirts and they are wide enough to hide several mountain goats and the odd llama beneath them.

“Si Señora” she continued. “And when they got to the hospital they did a scan and the doctor said ´your daughter is going to have a baby´”.

“Uh huh” I said, glancing furtively at my watch.

“Señora Juliet, the baby was born right then! Only 24 hour hours later! And then when they saw the horns and the tail the father of the girl said “kill it!”

“Ah ha” I said.

“Si Señora, he said ´kill it´ and the doctors were going to kill it but as soon as the man said that, exactly 13 minutes after the baby was born, the baby said…”

“Ummmm” I said (“tick, tick, tick” said my watch). “The baby started talking?”

“Si, Señora! It said, ´kill me if you want but if you do, the following things will happen: Piura, Ica, Lima – and I can´t remember what other places it mentioned – will all be swallowed up by the sea.”

My nanny is a well-educated woman. Secondary school only but she has lived in Lima for many years. She has guided me through the pitfalls of the Gamarra garment district and bargained hard on my behalf in the treacherous byways of Plaza Hogar on a quest to purchase chests of drawers so I could hardly abandon her now in her hour of need. She takes excellent care of the Baby Inca and has a running battle with the teachers at his nursery, keeping them on the straight and narrow when they neglect to inform her of why he has a bump on his head or appears to have fallen into the “water” (Peruvian slang for a toilet bowl) at school.

If Lima was about to be inundated on the instructions of some belligerent baby Beelzebub I owed it to her to show some concern.

“Ummmm” I interrupted. “Where did your sister hear this?”

“The newspapers Señora! My mother can´t read but she saw a man in the street with a big pile of newspapers and a big group of people buying them so she bought one too and had the neighbour read it to her.”

Religious wingnuttery tends to flourish in remote regions (remember Jonestown?) and, as I myself can testify, publishing costs in Peru are relatively cheap. I was beginning to see a glimmer of light here.

“Has it been on the national news?” I asked.

“No Señora, I haven´t seen anything this morning”.

The Peruvian media are indefatigable in hunting down the most sensational and gory details of even the most innocuous of events. If the End of Days had been announced in even the farthest flung corner of the Andean cordillera trust me, the Peruvian press would have got the memo and there most certainly would have been live footage and heated talk show discussions within the hour.

I put this most reasonable observation to Reyda.

“Ay Señora, but Humala told the press not to report it! When the baby said he was going to drown all those places the doctors got frightened and sent for Humala and he ordered them not to let any press in.”

Peruvians are on a familiar one-name basis with their President and he obviously has preserved the common touch if he flew to the sierra on short notice at the request of the local doctors at the precise time that he was allegedly (according to the national press) in Argentina meeting with President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. But of course, in hyper-Catholic Peru, the birth of a horned baby constitutes a national crisis.

In addition to the Old Testament overtones, Andean communities are apparently highly susceptible to portents of evil and are perfectly capable of believing many impossible things before breakfast. Consider the Pishtaco, immortalized by Mario Varga Llosa in his novel Death in the Andes.

“According to folklore, [the Pishtaco] is an evil monster-like man, often a stranger and often a white man, who seeks out unsuspecting Indians, to kill them and abuse their bodies in disgusting ways, primarily by stealing their body fat for various nefarious cannibalistic purposes or cutting them up and selling their flesh as fried chicharrones[1]…

Preoccupation with body fat has a long tradition in the Andes region. In pre-Hispanic times, fat was so prized that a deity for it existed, Viracocha (Sea of fat)…Spanish missionaries were feared as Pishtacos by the Andean aboriginals, who believed they were killing people for fat with which to oil church bells to make them specially sonorous. In modern times similar beliefs held that human fat was needed to grease the machinery of sugar mills or that jet aircraft engines could not be started without a squirt of human fat. Pishtaco beliefs have affected international assistance programs, e.g. leading to rejection of the US Food for Peace program by several communities, out of fears that the real purpose was to fatten children, and later exploit them for their fat.”

(Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pishtaco)

In the face of such evident evil can one be surprised by the fear and loathing engendered by the birth of a horny, prehensile throwback?

I managed to both calm Reyda down and control my unworthy impulse to roar with laughter. But the Devil himself knows how I was going to explain my late arrival to my non-Peruvian boss.

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[1] An absolutely delicious Peruvian dish featuring deep fried pork, chicken or seafood.

It´s the Trifles I´ll Remember

I don´t do solemn very well. Vex, yes. Raucous, definitely. Acerbic commentary and a bit of self-deprecating wit is more my forte. It doesn´t mean I don´t feel grief, just that I have difficulty expressing it. I have read with awe the powerful tributes to Angela Cropper and know that I could never find the words of a B.C. Pires, a Sheilah Solomon, an Achim Steiner.

I also admit to selfishness. The Angela I knew was mine. Not the public powerhouse, the universally loved icon. She was all of that and more and I have shared her through the years with both her family and mine. But I like to believe that there was a part of Angela that was mine alone.

We cooked, we planned, we talked – about nothing and everything – and most importantly, we laughed and, on one memorable occasion on a rooftop in Tobago, we sang.

I´ll tell you a secret about Angela. She was funny and she was frivolous.

She was my safe place. Undemanding, non-judgmental. She accepted me as I was. Never criticizing, always offering possible solutions and opportunities. We shared a love of cooking and entertaining. Over the years we put together countless carefully planned dinner parties (she once had a catering business, did you know that?) with handwritten place cards and long tables for an eclectic array of guest; impromptu picnics; solo evenings. If my father was expected she ALWAYS made a trifle, knowing that it was his favourite dessert. She invested that trifle with the same importance she afforded to her international obligations.

When her health was deteriorating and she was in Nairobi and London and I was in Peru I was jealous of my sister´s relative proximity, Elizabeth´s ability and determination to speak to and visit her regularly. My mother´s constant updates and touching base. I was only a skype call away but often argued myself out of calling, convincing myself that it would only be a burden on her, Maria, Ken and Julie to have constant phone calls from well-wishers. But it was also that I didn´t have the words. And I was ashamed because everybody else seemed to have no trouble finding them.

I still don´t have the words. I am struggling to find them. But in the end I tell myself it does not matter. She´s still with me you see. We are still sitting in a British pub during Trinidad and Tobago´s exciting and historic Football World Cup bid in 2006. She was passing through London and had squeezed time out of her usual hectic schedule to spend the evening with me and my daughter Jade, watching the match against Sweden, kitted out in Soca Warriors T-shirts and teaching tipsy Scottish men at the next table to sing “Sweet, Sweet T&T”. 

OK, so that was two memorable occasions on which we sang. 

Voyage of the Dawn Treader

There was an alligator on my bed when I entered the luxury master suite we had booked on the Delfin II. Well, a caiman actually, with beady red eyes and a lascivious grin.

He Had Me at Hello

When Miles Buesst, co-owner of Rainforest Cruises mentioned in passing his newest offering – a luxury cruise in the Peruvian Amazon – I was captivated. My mother, who just a month previously had been assiduously planning her funeral, has always wanted to explore the Amazon. The news that she would be doing so to celebrate her birthday diverted her from choosing hymns to picking out outfits to wear every night. This was obviously going to be the aquatic equivalent of a first class berth on the Orient Express.

My mother had “done” Peru in 1961 when she was a young Jamaican woman training as a diplomat for the short-lived Federation of the West Indies: from gauging the political climate in Universidad San Marcos by carrying a copy of all the daily papers under her arm to see what comments each would attract; to climbing to Cuzco on foot; and roughing it to Lake Titicaca. But a family emergency had recalled her prematurely and she has always regretted not completing the dream and exploring the Amazon.

In those days no doubt her expectation was a hammock on a sturdy cargo boat with the mosquito bites offset by the romance of the unknown. Fair enough for your twenties but now, having just turned 81, she deserved a somewhat more luxurious experience.

Having been seduced by the wily Miles and his website I emailed her and the deed was done in just a few days. Flights, forms, insurance, all these insuperable barriers fell and lo and behold I had lured her back on a flight to Lima, a city whose atmosphere left my asthmatic mother reeling the last time she came to visit me.

After a few careful days in Lima we embarked on the recommended LAN flight to Iquitos and were duly met at the airport by the Delfin II team. Our luggage having been identified and tagged with our cabin number, we surveyed our fellow guests and had a speculative gossip.

It was a mixed bunch: Two Australian couples who, from their conversation, appeared to spend their lives trekking, exploring, skiing at high altitudes and generally displaying the legendary hardiness of their breed. A family of four – mother, father and two sons – from Israel via Oklahoma. The younger son was a long-haired rocker type, headphones clamped firmly to his skull, pointy-toed black shoes, black slacks and an Andy Capp hat, earnestly in search of ayahuasca and spiritual oneness. A Peruvian expat couple based in Los Angeles; a Peruvian family of three (mother, daughter and grandson); a couple of New Yorkers; and three hardcore nature photographers: weather-beaten individuals sporting jungle-drab cargo pants, ironic T-shirts, five o´clock shadows and manly, thrusting lenses.

 A 90 minute air-conditioned bus ride later we arrived in Nauta, at the private pavilion where the Delfin II docks. Having been promised a welcome Pisco Sour we got somewhat belligerent when presented with a glass of juice at the welcome terminal. However, once aboard we were handed a native pisco-based brew which restored our mood and, after a briefing of what to expect in the way of excursions, we were shown to our cabins.

The Delfin II was built from scratch in 2009 and, at 120 feet, boasts 14 guest suites, an elegant dining area, observation deck, bar, entertainment centre, library, and hammock sun deck complete with elliptical exercise machine. All beautifully designed to the standard of a five star hotel anywhere in the world. You may enjoy the boat so much you will have to buy postcards at the airport to augment your holiday snaps of raised glasses and haute cuisine.

My mother being greeted by the local wildlife

On entering our cabin, a wonderland of monogrammed bathrobes, blond wood, cream drapes, wicker wildlife, and lifejackets discreetly tucked behind the easy chair, I feared that the only creature I would be seeing on the trip was the raffia caiman perched menacingly atop my bath towel at the foot of the bed. The boat was full of these creatures, commissioned from artists in the local villages. A snail delivering goodnight chocolates; gaily coloured frogs clinging to the dining table centrepieces; iguanas guarding the bar. The items are for sale and the proceeds support education in the communities where they are made.

Hallelujah, it´s dessert

For the first day and a half my mother refused to be prised from the comforts of the Delfin to participate in the various wildlife watching excursions. Her excuses included: “my eyesight is not what it was so why sit in a skiff and squint unsuccessfully at distant blurs when I can send my daughter to take notes and photos in which I can pretend to have played a part” and “this morning´s excursion starts at 5am. I am here to see, above all, pink dolphins. Dolphins are highly intelligent creatures and therefore not stupid enough to be out and about at that ungodly hour.”

Why watch wildlife when I can read about it?

Dining room

And indeed there is enough to keep you glued firmly to the Delfin II. Fine dining is provided by chefs trained in Lima by Peru´s international celebrity Gaston Acuria. The food is beautifully presented, delicious but a bit spartan at first until the final night´s splendid buffet.

Impromptu concert

My husband, Limeño born and bred, tends to scoff at the laid-back, fun-loving reputation of the people of the selva. “Those people” he says, “will invite anyone into their homes as soon as they meet them.” This instinctive openness may baffle the more cold-blooded denizens of the coastal region but it perfectly demonstrates the warmth of the Peruvian rainforest. As my mother commented, they were neither surly nor servile, just sharing hospitality.  After dinner the first evening we were treated to an impromptu concert by the crew. Peruvian pipes played by Juan our cabin attendant, accompanied by Naturalist Juan Luis and the ex-army medic on cajon, bartenders Mario and Jorge on percussion and various others on cuatro, guitar and vocals. There was no visible command structure among the 19 crew members. Chef, sous chefs, captain, tour guides, boat drivers, cabin stewards and crew were all confident, knowledgeable and friendly.

Brandy nightcap in the cabin

Afterdeck

Despite the attractions of the boat itself it would be a great mistake to miss the excursions.

In 2000 a five-nation National Geographic expedition definitively identified the source of the Amazon as originating in Arequipa in the Peruvian Andes. While most of the Amazon flows through Brazil, it is the Peruvian Government that is taking important steps to preserve the river and its biodiversity. The Delfin II cruise concentrated on the Pacaya Samiria National Reserve, more than 5 million acres of rainforest located between the Amazon tributaries of the Marañon and Ucayali. 

“Scientists have registered the presence of 527 species of birds, 102 mammal species, 69 species of reptiles, 58 amphibian species, 269 different kinds of fish, and 1024 species of wild or domesticated plants.” Rainforest Cruises.com

Pink perverts and son of a sloth

The Delfin II tour guides are all natives of the Amazon and enhance their wildlife spotting expertise with fascinating facts about the flora and fauna. Bird watching being fairly low down on my list of gripping activities to do while on vacation, I was surprised to learn that they are some of the most fascinating inhabitants of the Reserve.

Take for instance the gallinazo de cabeza roja (translation: Big red-headed chicken), the bird of prey with the keenest sense of smell in the world which can spot and catch its prey while flying. Or the shansho, which has an unusually large stomach, lives on leaves and purposely builds its nest on branches overhanging the river so that when predators approach the chicks can dive into the water to hide, poking their heads out to breathe until the danger is past, at which point they climb back up into their nest using the unique hooks on their wings. Another avian prodigy is the water jacaranda, also known as the Jesus Christ bird because its long toes give it the appearance of being able to walk on water. My personal favourite is the tuqui tuqui, a polyandrous species in which one female has several male minions who guard the nest and mind the chicks while the she gets busy with other males.

Squirrel monkey

Manatee food

And here are a few more Amazon fun facts: The nightly ritual of the spider monkey is to pee on his hands and then rub the trunk of the tree to mark his territory. The Amazon manatee is a giant food processor. Up to 40% of the food it eats is excreted in smaller easy-to-eat particles for other smaller creatures in the water.  The manatee eats between 80 and 100kg per day of a kind of water lettuce which floats on the surface of the river, thereby acting as a sort of aquatic lawnmower.  

Feeding the offspring of inter-species dalliance

Oso perezoso (sloth)

The lyrically named oso perezoso (now the third of my favourite Spanish words along with izquierda (left) and serenazgo (a kind of district security force)) or “lazy bear”, also has a profound effect on women. It is said that if a woman looks at the sloth in the later stages of her pregnancy the baby will emerge with the same lethargic characteristics.

The famous pink river dolphins are more effectively protected by superstition than legislation. People of the river believe that the dolphins are demons and will bewitch you if you bother them. If you eat dolphin meat you will go crazy and a male pink dolphin can impregnate a woman who will then turn into a mermaid and give birth to a manatee.

Caiman by night

In fact, it turns out that the biggest traditional villains of the Amazon have merely been suffering from bad press. According to our tour guide, piranhas don´t eat tourists, tourists eat piranhas. They might bite you if there is very low water and few fish in the lagoons and nothing else to eat but they won´t swarm. 

The evil-looking caiman are often hunted for their meat but do not often return the favour. And, despite JLo and Ice Cube´s experiences in that monumentally crappy movie, giant animatronic anacondas do not stalk every passing tourist boat.

And of course there is the eduring urban (or in this case, rural) legend of the candiru; also known as the penis fish, toothpick fish or vampire fish. We´ve all heard the stories: if you pee in the amazon this tiny fish will swim up your penis or vagina and lodge itself there with its spines. "Why?" you ask, with an involuntary shudder and an instinctive hand over the groin. It was once thought that the fish was attracted to urine, as the candiru's primary prey emits urea from its gills, but this was later discredited in formal experimentation. It has also been proved that the famed antics of the candiru - racing up a stream of urine and burrowing into the urethra - are impossible under the laws of physics. When the Delfin II guides announced on day three that there would be a jolly jaunt to go swimming in a coca cola coloured creek it proved to be an interesting social experiment in the power of science over superstition. I like to think of myself as a Prudent Rationalist, or perhaps a Selective Irrationalist. Either way, I gave that particular field trip a miss.

Piss Off Pizarro

Selling catfish and trinkets from her boat

But the real charm of the Amazon lies in its timelessness. Scientists estimate that the river originated 11 million years ago. It was here before we were and will quite probably be here long after we are gone. According to one guidebook scientists now believe that human settlements existed from 20,000 years ago. Satellite pictures have indicated the presence of at least one of the fabled lost cities that the Spaniards were told about but scientific expeditions have so far failed to reach.

In the village of Puerto Miguel

Despite the influx of T-shirts from European football clubs, the lifestyle here is basically the same as it was before the Spanish arrived. It certainly put things into perspective for my mother, who – by amazon standards – is a mere babe in arms.

Selva farewell

On our final night the 81-year-old Diva of the Delfin II was presented with a surprise birthday cake and serenaded with everything from El Condor Pasa to the Beatles.

View of the Amazon from the plane

My mother is an incurable proselytizer. No sooner had we had our last glimpse of the sinuous river through the plane window and been restored to the convenience of the internet that she shot off her first assessment of the trip: 

“No sense of hierarchy or top-down management visible on this boat…I would like to replicate that equity management style in all tourism. If we humans are stupid enough to succeed in destroying “our” world, life in the Amazon will still somehow continue to evolve. If this is the uncivilized world, then let's all hurry back.”

I suspect she won´t have much time for selecting hymns in the foreseeable future.

The Diva of the Delfin with the Captain